Kimsue Styles

Let me take you on a trip down memory lane. 

January 2017, I was relaxing at home scrolling through my Instagram explore page. I came across a picture of two bearded men. One in particular caught my eye. I wasn’t trying to “shoot my shot” but I’ve always been one to compliment people if I saw fit to do so. I don’t usually go into men’s DMs and say anything. I just admire from afar. I mustered up the courage to send this beautiful, bearded and very well put together man a message and tell him what I thought of him. He replied, in kind and complimented me as well. From that moment on, we continued to chat via DM. This went on for seven months before we actually met in person. One day he posted a picture on his page and in his caption, he mentioned something about being sick. Instead of hopping in the comments like the rest of his fan club, I sent him a message and asked him if he needed anything to aide in his getting better. He did but he wasn’t going to be home, so I advised that I would bring him some fruit or whatever he needed when his schedule permitted. A few weeks later, I posted a photo of myself and he commented “no fruit?” I replied stating,  I got wrapped up running errands, but as soon as I have another day off I would bring it to him. I’m a woman of my word so I will definitely keep it. He said OK and thank you. 

Fast forward to a few weeks later; August 15, 2017, my favorite uncle passed away and I was heading down to South Jersey to see my family two days after.  I sent him a direct message and asked him if he was home because I had a little bit of fruit for him. Instead of hopping right on the road to South Jersey, I figured I would first go north to see him and bring him the fruit that I had promised. He said yes and proceeded to send me his address. I arrive and he seemed pleasantly surprised that I looked the same as I did in my pictures, even better according to him, lol! We stood outside and talked for about an hour. We seemed to have clicked and I wondered if it would go anywhere, but I wasn’t really trying to get involved because I was recovering from something personal back during the time I had sent him the message. He said that as a thank you he had to take me to dinner or something. I’m not one to do things for people for something in return so I said, you don’t owe me anything. It was my pleasure to be of assistance where I could be. I thought he was a very nice and interesting man. Very alluring. Mind you, we still didn’t have each other’s phone numbers but that changed after our meeting. He said to me “you’re very seductive, I wasn’t ready.” It’s really just my natural personality and he said that’s what made it so dangerous. 

Weeks passed and we continue to keep in touch. Exchanging pictures and sharing things with one another, We were supposed to get together on a Thursday,  but his vehicle had been towed the evening before so he had to go to NY to get it. We never got to hang that day. Because I was interested in him and I thought he was in me, I said I would have been happy to take him to get his car. I was winding down for the evening, but I really wanted to see him and be in his presence for a little while. I got up and went to get him and we proceeded to the city. We talked about a bunch of stuff along the way and we got to know a little more about one another. We got his car and he proceeded to go where he needed to and I went home. He texted me and said “thank you so much baby, I owe you.”  I replied, you don’t owe me anything just be good to me and he said OK. Little did I know being good to me was only dicking me down on a regular basis. Nothing remotely close to what I actually meant with that statement.  

Our first intimate encounter was more than I’d bargained for. I cried! Yes dammit! I fucking cried because that man made fucking love to me! I felt a tear drop out of my left eye! You don’t put Unicorn Dick on someone that you don’t want in your life! You are setting me up for all kinds of emotional turmoil that I just don’t need! It was the best sex I’d ever had and I wanted to feel that way forever, with him. He was now in my top 5, LOL! I felt like I was falling for him even before the dick , but now, I’m dumbfounded and can’t think like a logical human. He could do all kinds of shit and I’d make excuses for it. I didn’t care. I fell and really fucking hard!  He’s not romantic with me, not much of a cuddler. He didn’t take me anywhere. Not even the dinner that he’d said he would take me to. Yeah, I remained hidden. I was essentially just who he was fucking. Still, I cared about him and as time progressed I cared for him even more. Not for the sex, but who he was as a person. He’s caring and protective and loves his family deeply we had a lot of conversations about different things and I loved that he is so intelligent. Some of the qualities that I like in a man, but he didn’t make me feel special outside of sucking my soul dry sexually. He didn’t buy me things or invite me to anything that he was doing. I am not the woman who requires material things, or to be at every family function, but small gestures surely would have sufficed. I just wanted to be made a priority in his life and that wasn’t happening. 

Now, we’re approaching my birthday. October 4th came and I didn’t want to do anything spectacular, but I knew that I wanted to spend time with him. Especially because he was leaving on a trip a few days after my birthday. I had to work so after I got off we went to the movies. I ended up paying for the outing. Yes, I paid. I can’t call it a date because he doesn’t go on dates. I was a bit sad that I had to pay on MY birthday but I let it go. I knew the reason was because he didn’t want to really spend due to his trip, so I didn’t make a big deal about it, but if someone can’t muster up a few bucks to treat you on your special day, then you are essentially shit to that person. I was heartbroken, but I didn’t let him see that. There are a ton of things that could have been done that did not require spending money. I don’t need monetary gifts. I’m more about the thought that goes into it all. I went home after and cried to my big sister because I felt stupid and tears were all I had. Now I’m a few months in and I’m seeing no reciprocity so this is the time that I should exit right? Wrong! I stayed around because he gave me a feeling that I’d been missing. He was attentive when I was with him and he put it down like no other man I’d ever been with. This is why I call him unicorn dick! Had my mind all scrambled like fucking eggs. December 21st. I went to see him with this, I am woman hear me roar attitude. I wanted to have a civilized conversation with him about how I was feeling and what I expected going forward so I asked him the question that you should never ask any fucking man…what are we doing?  I know we’re not in a relationship, but I wanted to know what we were doing because I felt as though I was the only one interested at this point and if I am, then I need to figure out how I need to move forward. He told me that he didn’t want to be in a relationship and maybe he was jaded because of his past relationship with someone.  I won’t get into that because that’s not my personal business to talk about. I let him know how I was feeling…everything that I was feeling about my birthday and all of that other stuff and he just sat there. Stoic. Like nothing I’ve said even moved him. He seemed emotionless and here I am looking stupid once again. He didn’t know that I had been pining away over his lackluster treatment of me. How could he? Up until now I didn’t say anything. He told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship and 2018 is approaching and he’s trying to get certain things in order and so forth and so on. We all are gearing up to do things with the coming new year. No one I know is stagnant and making excuses. If you don’t want to be with me, just say that.  I can process the truth. It will hurt, but I’m a woman who wants to know, needs to know what’s happening. He would never admit that we were just fucking. So in an effort not to cry about the situation in front of him because I didn’t want him to think I was some kind a weak psycho bitch who’s all emotional; I leaned back to keep the tears from flowing.  I thought that I was going to get up and get out of there with my dignity intact and the next thing I knew, MY PANTS WERE DOWN AND HE WAS PERFORMING CUNNILINGUS ON ME! Obviously we proceeded to have sex. I’m feeling all stupid and weak but it felt so good that I just couldn’t tell him to stop. He had that kind of effect on me. He was a master at what he did both orally and when he penetrated. He had unicorn dick. It was MAGICAL and had me on a level of stupid that I had never been on before. I got up and got myself together and I got the hell up out of there.  I cried all the way home because I felt like the weakest link. How could I have gone over to this man’s house, tell him how I felt and then still allow him to do the very thing that he’s been doing? Fucking me senseless. Still, I continue to see him. January. February. March. April. 

All these months pass by, but the thing that bothered me the most was Valentine’s Day.  He dropped the ball on my birthday, so I figured he would do something to make up for that. Nope! At the very least he could have gotten me some flowers or candy. You don’t have to celebrate the day, but knowing that the person you are sleeping with loves little things like that, it would have been nice. Obviously, I wasn’t worthy of a flower, a card, a teddy bear, box of chocolates, nothing. 

Someone got flowers ON Valentines day, it just wasn’t me.  One day he called and said he needed a “tune up” and like a dick whipped dummy, I came running. Something in my spirit was uneasy so, I asked him was he seeing anyone else he said ‘define seeing’ I said,  please don’t insult my intelligence.  He said, and I quote “I’m not committed to anyone.” Now mind you I got up out of my bed, came over to give him pleasure because he had asked. I had no problem accommodating him because I care for him very much, but the same care was never extended to me; not in the way that I had hoped it would be. If we measure care by sex then YES he cared for me deeply. So I did what I did and I got myself together and I went home. Once again, I cried all the way back. 

Now let’s move on. March, I got sick with the flu and I also had some issues with my diabetes, so I was home for most of the month. He never asked if I needed him to bring me anything. He just told me what I should do. According to him, that’s pretty much the same thing. His birthday came and I got him a gift because I love this man. I didn’t make a stink about the fact that I got two balloons, a card and unicorn dick for mine. I am big on birthdays. It’s your personal holiday and I treat people I love well.

Now here we are in the beginning of May. The last sexual encounter we had was May 3rd. It was mind blowing as usual and I, the dick whipped dummy was slowly coming to terms with the fact that this man does not want me the same way that I want him, so I need to move on. I am tired of giving myself to this undeserving man and at some point I have to man up and get the hell on. He sent me a message asking if my sister had seen the Avengers movie.  He was going and I said wow without me. He’s like, he would not go with me to see a Marvel movie or anyone for that matter. I said ok, enjoy your movie. We had a whole text conversation about it and then SIX minutes after that he posted something on Instagram about alone time and no dates. I felt as if it was a dig at me because we literally just had this conversation and now you’re posting it. So someone in the comments said she would have been his date and he replied, I don’t go on dates, they’re useless. At that moment I knew I had to remove myself. All the kindness and care I showed him and he didn’t think for one moment how that would have made me feel? I was as stupid as the day is long. I didn’t deserve the mediocre treatment I was getting. I stuck around for nine months hoping it would have changed and it never did. How could I have been so stupid for so long? I had to stop cold turkey. I needed to remove myself. As much as I want him, it’s just not going to happen. I had to move on. I was taught not to accept mediocrity from any man and here I am, accepting it like I don’t know my value and worth. I do, but I act as if I don’t sometimes.

Fast forward: I met someone new and very nice. A perfect gentleman. While I’m not looking to be involved with anyone at this time.  I entertained the opportunity to make a new friend. We went on a few dates, but something didn’t quite click and so, we are just going to remain acquaintences. We are still cordial and if I see him, it’s pleasant. He seems to be troubled by things that are beyond my comprehension. I don’t have any ill feelings toward him, as he is an absolutely wonderful man. He gave me what I needed in that moment. I needed to let go of someone that had absolutely NO interest in being anything but my sexual partner and to see that there are still men that value women in a way that men from my dads era did. Also, to see that men still think courting and dates are necessary, not useless. I guess once you’re having sex, there’s really nothing to work towards, as you’ve already gotten the prize. What I’ve learned in the last few dealings that I’ve had with men is to acknowledge the red flags and move accordingly. We all have our flaws and hangups, but we can’t just attribute it to “that’s just how I am.” We also can’t make people suffer for things a past love did to us. We are not that person and should never be so jaded that we miss a blessing that is a companion who wants nothing more than to love us and build with us. There are things that we must recognize in ourselves and correct in order to have healthy and lasting relationships, whether romantic or platonic. I have my flaws, believe me and I don’t walk around like I’m perfect, because I am not. What I am is genuine, loving, attentive, thoughtful, and a host of other things. I will always be. It is not my time for love with another. I’m just going to continue loving and nurturing myself until God sees fit to bless me with a King of my own. Great things take time and you must have patience. The man that believes that the sun rises and sets with me is praying and waiting for me.

If you take nothing else away from this post, take the lesson I’ve displayed about extending yourself too much to undeserving people. It doesn’t make them bad people, but they’re bad for YOU.

I know this is a long post, but thank you for taking the time to read. 

I love you; I mean it! 

Kimsue 💋

Photos by Rosemarie Moore

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