Struggling…

If you do not separate from your distractions, your distractions will separate you from your goals. ~ Carol Sanker

For the past several months, I’ve been struggling with a lot of things. From my health, to work, personal life and relationships with friends and family. I’m a person of order and routine and I do pretty much everything on a schedule. I live a very organized life, but lately, I’m taking forever to get things done. It has taken me months to do laundry, something I actually love to do regularly. My mail is piling up and I’m not organizing things like I usually do. I rarely get dressed for work. I’m presentable, but not really dressing up like I always do. I’m in a space that I can’t even fully comprehend and it hurts. When I’m going through things, I completely shut down and remove myself from pretty much everything. Writing is my therapy; a way to express my inner most thoughts and sort out my feelings and get back into the groove of life.

I’m such a creative person but lately I’ve been stagnant with all the things I need and want to do. I’m not doing as well at work as I should be and I’m so mentally overwhelmed, that I don’t even have the motivation to do anything for myself. I got sidetracked with starting my business this year due to all that’s going on personally and with my health so I’m trying again, to get it all underway. I’m NOT giving up. I know what I need to do in order to get out of my own way, but where do I begin? People often see me smiling, dolled up and appearing to be all together, but I’m not. I’m not unhappy, but I do feel down quite a lot. It’s draining and taking energy I desperately need to keep going. I try to stay strong for my son and I thank God that he doesn’t see me struggle with my emotions. I’m coming up on the anniversary of my fathers passing and that in itself is a lot.

I try to be there for the people in my life, but truthfully, I’m having the hardest time being there for myself, so I can’t exactly show up for everyone in this moment. It is said that the first rule of survival is to take care of yourself and that’s what I am trying to do. It may seem selfish to some, but self-care should be. My mind and emotions are out of whack and I need this time to sort things out and get back on track. I’m not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for or pity me, so please don’t. I’m writing this, because it’s necessary for me and getting it out helps to release these negative feelings. I’ve been going to therapy and it has aided in my healing, but I have a long way to go. There’s a lot from my past and present that I’m working on healing from and I’m going to get through it all with God and continued work.

We all go through things and while some people like to keep things bottled up, I prefer to openly express myself through my writing because it may be of help to someone who is also struggling. I’m grateful for the friends and family who stick by me while I’m going through a tsunami of emotions.

As always, thank you for stopping by and continuing on this journey with me. I’m trying to get back to some normalcy I hope that this will be a catalyst for a more productive future.

I love you, I mean it!

Kimsue 💙