Back To The Drawing Board

“Given enough time and distance, the heart will always heal.”‘
LAURA FITZGERALD

In 2018, I wrote an article titled, Table for One. It was my way of getting back to myself without the distractions of a man. Fast forward five years later, and I’m back to square one, back to the drawing board. Not because I have to be, but because I recognize that there are still some areas I need to work on. Since that time, I have dated four guys and while they were not bad dating experiences, what they revealed to me is that I need to take some more time for myself. I love companionship. I love having a partner and having someone to build and grow old with, but I’m not so desperate that I will take anything that’s given to me. I am learning to acknowledge the red flags and not try to paint them a different color, but I still fall short in this area. Recently, I was seeing someone that I really had high hopes for but in the grand scheme of things, we’re just not as right for each other as I thought we would be. It’s better for both parties to discover these things early and not far down the road. Dating does not have to be complicated to the point that everything nitpicked to death. I am a pretty easygoing woman, but there are times that shit just gets on my nerves. I am a woman with a very healthy and insatiable appetite for sex when I am with someone. If I am alone, I have no desire for it. You know, out of sight, out of mind. I really saw myself committing to this person because more than sex, it was easy getting to know him. We had so much in common so being with him sexually didn’t feel forced or uncomfortable it was organic. I have dated quite a bit, and I am not one who feels that way about many men. I don’t want to be touched by everyone, but when I do feel that way with you, I want it all the time. I want all the things that come with a healthy relationship and sexual intimacy is one of those things, but it’s not the same for everyone, so I’ve learned. There were some things that I did not particularly care for and I am certain that there are things about me that he can’t get jiggy with and that is okay. No one is perfect but we have to find the right fit for ourselves.

I have since stopped communicating with the gentleman, and made the decision that it’s time for me to go back into my bubble and stay there for just a little while longer. I have never been one to jump from man to man. It is important to take breaks, for as long as you see fit. Like I said, I dated, but I have not been in a relationship in 9 years. We often feel like we are ready for something, but interactions make us see otherwise. It’s not just me. We all need to reevaluate some shit. I’ve decided that I am going to take the remainder of this year and devote myself solely to dating myself. Ask myself the difficult questions, really get to know myself again in this new chapter, heal parts of me that I didn’t even realize needed attention, and really rebuild who I am and figure out what I truly want. I am putting more focus on my relationship with God, strengthening that connection with Him, spending more time with my family (as if I don’t do that already, lol). I’m always in a space of preparing myself mentally, physically, spiritually, financially and emotionally and getting to the root of a lot of things that have impeded my progress, both in love and life. I’m not in a bad place. Actually, I’m in a very good place. I know that there’s more work to do. No one is ever fully healed, but we need do the work to get there and sometimes that work is a solo project. It’s important to do the work alone but it’s also important to, when you find that special someone to do the work together.

So, as of today, I will be in my bubble.  I attract all types of men and that’s okay, but I won’t be dating romantically, at least not right now. I will be by myself and see it through, and maybe, God willing, when I come up for air; I will give love another try, but until then I’m in my perpetual bubble.

As always, thank you for stopping by

I love you; I mean it!

Kimsue 💙